Thursday, March 28, 2013

When it is NOT well with my soul

The events of the last 3 weeks;
the last 24 hours specifically,
have left my heart filleted opened and bleeding.

A strange thing happens when you mature in your faith.
I am at a point that I know God is sovereign
(that's fancy Christian talk to say He is in control of all things all the time).
So what happens is that when bad things happen
placing the blame on anything on earth doesn't fill the hurt in my heart.
It just doesn't.
Because I know that all things filter through His hands.
I know at any time He can stop them, change them.
I know it because I have seen Him do it time and time again.

So what happens when He doesn't do that?
Well if you are Paul you write things like 
"to live is Christ to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

But if you are me you cry out at God.

I ran to my Father, but not for comfort.  For understanding.
Why God?
Why did you let the unjust prevail?
Why did you allow lies to go blessed?
We have been faithful to You.
If You are a good Daddy, and I know You are, why did you let this happen?!

And He remains silent except for this one thing...
"Aren't you glad you didn't get what you deserved?"
And it pierces my heart.
I did not get what my sins deserved.
I got grace at the expense of Jesus.

So I continue to cry.
I pray that I will stop feeling the need to understand.
I surround myself with people who don't expect me to be all holy and stuff.
People who it is OK for it not to be OK.

And I wait.
Knowing in my head that joy will come.
 ...that His faithfulness doesn't depend on mine.
...that our burden is for His glory and our good.
 
Waiting for it to reach the depths of my heart.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh my, I know those feelings all too well. Almost five months ago I lost my infant daughter to several fatal birth defects, all to which there seemed to be no rhyme or reason. It does a strange thing to our hearts and minds to see God allow such suffering. But still He is faithful and I daily cling to His promises of redemption. I am saying a prayer for you right now.

Beth said...

Oh Sarah. I am so sorry. I can not even imagine what that must be like. It is certainly a good perspective for me. Many times during this I have wondered how crushingly deep it must hurt to lose a child. I stand here broken yet my family is healthy and together. Thank you for reminding me to be thankful in all things and for giving me hope that He draws near in all situations. Blessings to you and your sweet family!