The events of the last 3 weeks;
the last 24 hours specifically,
have left my heart filleted opened and bleeding.
A strange thing happens when you mature in your faith.
I am at a point that I know God is sovereign
(that's fancy Christian talk to say He is in control of all things all the time).
So what happens is that when bad things happen
placing the blame on anything on earth doesn't fill the hurt in my heart.
It just doesn't.
Because I know that all things filter through His hands.
I know at any time He can stop them, change them.
I know it because I have seen Him do it time and time again.
So what happens when He doesn't do that?
Well if you are Paul you write things like
"to live is Christ to die is gain." Philippians 1:21
But if you are me you cry out at God.
I ran to my Father, but not for comfort. For understanding.
Why did you let the unjust prevail?
Why did you allow lies to go blessed?
We have been faithful to You.
If You are a good Daddy, and I know You are, why did you let this happen?!
And He remains silent except for this one thing...
"Aren't you glad you didn't get what you deserved?"
And it pierces my heart.
I did not get what my sins deserved.
I got grace at the expense of Jesus.
So I continue to cry.
I pray that I will stop feeling the need to understand.
I surround myself with people who don't expect me to be all holy and stuff.
People who it is OK for it not to be OK.
And I wait.
Knowing in my head that joy will come.
...that His faithfulness doesn't depend on mine.
...that our burden is for His glory and our good.
Waiting for it to reach the depths of my heart.