Saturday, December 1, 2012

     My heart overflows tonight.  We have had about a week and a half of you struggling.  It's the same struggle every year before your birthday.  I don't think it's triggered by a bad memory.  I think it is more a sensory processing issue.  Your brain is not yet able to process the big emotions of excitement.  So when something exciting is coming, and you know it is coming, you act like a robot who's short circuited.  You get very very loud and very bouncy.  You start asking lots of nonsense questions.  Your sleep become erratic.  All of your senses become extremely sensitive.  You struggle with the sensation of even your clothes against your skin.  And you are very easily sent in a rage.  This was how you lived for about the first year and a half you were with us.  Seeing you regress back into it makes me so thankful for how far you have come.  So grateful you are at peace most days!
     Tomorrow is your 6th birthday.  The way your week was going I wasn't sure you were going to be able to celebrate it.  I had thoughts of picking a random day out of the summer to wake you up and have a surprise half birthday planned for you.  That way we would celebrate you without you getting all worked up before it!  I might still do it.
      Tonight before we headed up to bed you said to me:  "Mommy will you hold me like a baby and rock and sing to me?"  I fought back tears as I whispered "yes, I would love to".  I sat there rocking you, my precious unexpected gift from God.  And we talked about when you were 2 and I would rock and sing to you and feed you milk from a sippy cup.  Trying desperately to go back and redo those early years that were missed.
     Tomorrow we will celebrate you.  And I pray you are able to receive it.  I pray you will be able to enjoy yourself.  I pray Satan will have no part of your day tomorrow!  I am so grateful that you have healed enough that I know you.  I know your heart.  I know your hurts.  I know your fears.  You are throwing off the bondage of your past and stepping out in faith trusting we will be there to catch you.  
     This seems like such a simple thing to say.  And some who don't know my heart or our journey may take offense to it.  But after 3 and a half years of loving you when you were seldom lovable I can say not only do I love you but I enjoy you.  I look forward to seeing you in the morning.  I hurt when you hurt.  Not a "oh I'm so sorry your sad" but a "oh how my own heart aches watching you struggle."
    You have become a part of me.  God knit you into your first mother's womb but He wove you into my heart.
Happy birthday Gianna!

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