Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The missing umph

You may have noticed that lately the blog has not been as active.
It's not been for lack of desire.
I have sat and stared at a blank screen for an hour only to walk away frustrated with the wasted time.
The problem isn't in my is with me.
It seems I have lost my "umph",
my passion,
my want to.

Not only in the blog but in just about every area of my life.
Things that brought me so much joy a month ago leave me stale and indifferent today.
I go to sleep with a weight, a heaviness as if I am baring a great tragic loss
and I wake in the morning with that same lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart.

I look around to see the amazing life God has given me and that only
makes me feel more shameful and ungrateful.

Yet His grace is still sufficient for me.
Yesterday He led me to this verse:

"This is what the Lord says: 'Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him who boasts boast about this; that he understands and knows me, that I am
the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight."
Jeremiah 9:23-24

Have I led any of you to believe that this life is easy for me?
That I can easily do this myself?
If I have I am truly sorry.
I can do nothing on my own besides make a giant mess.

But Him?!
He can do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine!
I know this.  I have seen it time and time again.

So I am taking a step back,
drawing closer to Him.
And waiting with great anticipation as He shows me yet another layer of Himself.

But while I am searching for my "umph," my "get up and go,"
my mom has graciously agreed to keep the blog a rollin.
That excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.

Tune in tomorrow to see her first post.

The kids and I have started a prayer journal.
They tell me what they are praying about, I write it down, we pray over them and then we go back and see how God has answered them.
So far there have been a lot of 
"That God would send us a dog that won't bite us."
"No more nightmares."
"That God would give us a dog who's poop doesn't stink."
(I'm still praying over that one)

Yesterday I shared with the kids that I need them to pray for me.
That I was sad for no real reason.
Incredibly I didn't get 185 questions about this.

Throughout the day Caleb had asked to speak to Jim alone on the phone.
I thought that was sweet and a little sad.
Caleb was beginning to share things with Jim that he didn't want to share with me.

Then Jim walked in with these flowers from Caleb.
Caleb (my less than sensitive, never wear your heart on your sleeve, big man)  hugged my neck and said "you said you were sad and I know you love flowers in your bathroom so I got Dad to get these for you."

Lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and so very grateful for this amazing life!

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