Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Broken again

I've been plagued with a cloud of shame and guilt.
It hangs over me like a wool blanket; heavy and cumbersome.
Covering my eyes, weighing me down until I can not stand under it.
It's shame not many women will ever have to bare.
But some who are privileged enough to be called momma by a child born to another, will 
read these words as if they are oxygen to a dying soul.
I talk about a secret.
No one dares to utter the words.
And the longer you hide it the heavier it grows.
Whisper the words and you may be crucified by those who have never walked down the same path.
Be quiet and the burden may drag you down until you are unable to continue your journey.
The loneliness is brutal.
Not even your husband can know the depths of your hurt.
The pain of a woman born to passionately, emotionally love her children...
...who is struggling to feel anything at all.
"Father they desperately need to be adored!"  I yell at Him.
But after years of lying down and begging God, His answer remains; "not now."
I've been angry, I've quietly but bitterly raged against Him.
Yet He has stayed faithful, patient, compassionate.
I will no longer keep silent!
 I will throw off this blanket pinning me to the ground!
I will shout from the roof top that this is the day of freedom!
Freedom from these chains that bind me to the ground and keep me a slave to the secret.
I will embrace that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought them to me.
That He does not make mistakes!
That He is teaching me a deeper more real love.
A love this world does not understand.
A love that feels less like butterflies in your belly
... and more like scars on your heart. 
I love you G & A and I look with hope and expectancy to the day you can also shed your heavy blanket and walk in freedom!