Monday, July 9, 2012

Diaper smuggling and BIG feelings

"Mom, Gianna peed in a diaper and put it in a plastic bag and brought it here from VA."
Emma drops out of nowhere at breakfast yesterday.

Where is the parenting manual that tells you how to handle your 5 year old smuggling a pee filled diaper through 3 states?!

G was waiting until the last possible minute to join us for breakfast, so I ate my Kashi cereal and contemplated my next move.

The thing I knew for sure was that I COULD NOT make a big deal over it or I was for sure I would see a repeat performance.
Urine and poop are classic RAD behaviors, usually a big red flag saying somethings up.
An easy way to gain control, which makes her feel safe... temporarily.
But I hadn't noticed her being triggered at all and had been proud of how she had done in VA.

She joined us for breakfast and I fought the urge to grill her about her diaper wearing ways.
I cleaned up and waited until she was alone.
Then I took her by the hand and led her to the spot the diaper was last seen.
I picked it up and said "Do you want to talk about it now?"
A blank cloud fell over her eyes, emotionless.
"I didn't do that."
"I've never seen that diaper"
"Ooookay, well, when you feel strong enough to talk about it come and get me."  I walked out, after placing the evidence back in the closet,  wondering what the heck I was doing.
She plopped down on her legs, shame and anger draped all over her face.

I went into my bathroom and wondered what the reason was behind it.
Usually it has one of two causes.
1. She feels like she is gross and disgusting and does stuff to try to repulse us, proving herself right.
This didn't seem likely, in those cases she usually does it in front of us or brings it to me to show off.
2.  Something triggered a big, bad memory and she reverted back to the age she had the most trauma.
For her that was between 12- 22 months.
This seemed most likely.

She walked into the bathroom and said she was ready to talk.
I sat down and asked if she wanted me to hold her.
She shook her head, big brown eyes locked sternly at the ground, curls covering her pretty face.
G:  "I did it here a long time ago and hid it from you.  I lied to Emma" 
Me:  "Good job telling me G.  I'm not mad at all.  When did you do it?"
G:  "During nap time.  I was supposed to be sleeping."
Me:  "Oh, were you mad?"
G:  "No."
Me:  "Were you sad?"
G:  "Uhuhu" (that's country for I don't know)
Me:  "Where did you keep it?  Never mind, I don't really want to know that.  Can I hold you now?"  She shakes her head and jumps into my lap holding me tight with her arms and brushing my arm with a little kiss.

I go on to tell her that sometimes her bio mom took excellent care of her, holding her and kissing her and changing her diaper.  But there were other times when she didn't take good care of her.
Times she was hungry and wanted to be held or needed to be changed.
I told her that sometimes my big girl G feels like baby G and that's OK.
But we need to figure out another way to deal with baby G.
A way that won't alienate her sisters or cause every bug in GA to take up residence in her closet.

She giggled, got up, threw the extremely old, extremely smelly, diaper away and ran off to play.
And I thanked God silently, that I didn't blow it!

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