Wednesday, May 2, 2012

screaming for justice


Like someone flipped a light switch, she is back to loving.  Is it manipulation?  No, I don't think so.  Maybe a mixture of overwhelming remorse and shame from the last 2 hours.  Hours mixed with biting, hitting, screaming, kicking, threats, and throwing the worst insults her sweet little brain can come up with.  "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!
I'M GOING TO PUNCH EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD IN THE FACE!
EVEN JESUS!
I'M GOING TO PUNCH JESUS IN THE FACE!"
40 min of holding her raging body as she arches her back and throws her head back and forth into my face has left my body sore and my heart even sorer.

I've learned the art of being quiet.
Of holding her and looking at her with kind, sympathetic eyes.
Of telling her I'm strong enough to handle all her anger and I still won't leave her.

But I haven't learned how to ease the sting that comes over my soul later.
As she cuddles close to me and kisses my leg then my hand,
 I struggle to get past the sting of her words.
To muster up yet another kind word and soft touch.

Why is it so much harder to be loving after the storm?
Lord, help me not forget that SHE is the victim.

There is an anger burning inside me.
An anger for justice!
But try as I do I am not mad at her first mom.
But raging mad at the prince of a world that is broken.
A world full of hurt.
Where some little girl, just like G, is being neglected right this instant.

My flesh screams for justice! 
But my soul rests in His great mercy.
Praise God, He has not treated me as I deserve.

And through the struggle and the hurt,
I am reminded that this is not my home!
That anger in the very core of my soul was put there by God as a longing for something more.
Something perfect... 
someplace safe...

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ...we ourselves...groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship."
Romans 8:22-23



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