Friday, January 13, 2012

I love you more

   I sat on the floor holding you down.  Your curls matted to your face.  Your head banging against my chest.  You are screaming.  Crying.  You are experiencing a pain I have never known.  As I sit holding you tight against me I think back to the past few days that have led us to this.  A Tuesday meeting with your brothers cancelled last minute.  Followed by you sitting up in your bed at night crying.  Crying in a way I have never heard.  A real.  True.  Heartbroken cry.  "I miss my brothers."  My heart ached for you. But I also was thrilled that you could put words to it.
     So last night we called them.  You were thrilled.  You paced like a teenage girl, giggling into the phone but you had no idea what to say to them.  There for a brief 10 minutes you were genuinely, completely happy.  But then came goodbye...

     You woke up mad.  Seething on the inside.  It came out as a desperate need for control.  And so here we find ourselves.  You screaming.  Me quiet, because anything I say just makes you more angry.  Until you break.  You scream about cutting my face up.  You scream that you wish you didn't have any brothers and sisters.  That you would just live alone.  You wish you could cut up all the houses.  You hate Jesus.  You hate everything!  And at that moment you surrender in despair.  I turn you in my lap until you are laying like an infant in my arms.  I gently pull the hair off your wet face.  Your eyes are rolled back in your head because you are too ashamed to look me in the eye.  And I rock you.  And kiss you.  And tell you just how much I love you.  And how proud I am that you didn't hurt yourself today.  And you didn't hurt me today.  And you didn't destroy anything.  And I see the cloud of shame lift as your eyes find mine.  And you cling to me like a 2 year old who's Mom just found her lost in the store.

     And through the muck and the mess and the hurt.  I love you even more.

1 comment:

The Popes said...

That sweet, precious, lovely girl is making HUGE progress. I cry at every post about her. Not that I'm sad for her, but that I think I neglect to remind my babies how very much I love them. It's a reminder of how important it is for them to know, REALLY know, how secure their place in my heart is.

You're doing an awesome job Beth. I'm PROUD to think of you as a friend.