Friday, December 2, 2011

Birthday funk

Yesterday Jim and I took G out for her birthday date with us.
I was so excited!
The plan was to wake up, surprise her, and take her to Babyland General Cabbage Patch Hospital
and let her pick out a baby to adopt.
I tried to do this last year but she just wasn't ready.
So this was going to be the year!!!

The thing about G is that her birthday tends to trigger a lot of hard emotions.
Feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, hurt, vulnerability all creep into her mind.
When she starts feeling like this she starts trying to take control of everything.
She will refuse to drink, she picks at her siblings, she asks ridiculous questions (like... is this a fork? Is the sky blue? Am I a girl?), she will bounce or rock back and forth uncontrollably.
These are all signs to Jim and I that anger is coming.

I had seen all these signs the last few days.
The morning of our big date, G got very upset and yelled and screamed and chose not to get dressed. We told her when she was ready she could put her clothes on and join us.
She finally did and we were on our way.
But instead of going to babyland we had to go to Stone Mountain Park and walk around.

I couldn't help but think that this must be what it is like for God.
He has good things to give us but sometimes it would be to our detriment to have them.
But His desire, His plan is to bless us!

Our date was interesting.
She didn't know what to do with all the attention.
When we were walking in the park she started trying to wander off.
This is a very old trick of hers.
She wanders off to see if we will notice,
to see if we love her enough to know she is gone.
Do we even care?

The date ended with a lot of yelling, screaming, spitting and kicking.
But when we got home she hugged my neck and I took her to the rocking chair and rocked her like an infant.

How much are we like G?!
Desperately wanting something but having no idea what to do with it when we get it!
So we push it away with all our might!
Only to be sad when it's gone.

I know this birthday doesn't seem ideal but I am very grateful.
I'm thankful she feels safe enough to show us how mad she is.
I'm thankful that she got it all out and was able to enjoy her party that night.
I'm thankful that she feels secure enough to test us,
and by God's grace we are strong enough to take the anger and rage and love her through it!
I'm thankful to love a God big enough to handle me when I'm at my worst.
When I push Him away, and scream and kick and spit on Him, He loves me.
And then gives me a rag and makes me clean up my mess:)

And because God's timing is perfect check out this gift we bought G at Target.
A cabbage patch kid that looks just like her.
And she got to adopt her.
She even did the pledge (which I did not read through before)
I almost cried when her little right hand was up and she repeated...

"I promise to love my cabbage patch kid with all my heart. I promise to be a good and kind parent. I will always remember how special my cabbage patch kid is to me."

It hasn't been 4 months since we raised our hands and took the same vow.
Thank you God for considering us worthy of parenting these girls!

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