Friday, November 11, 2011

My heart on a platter

My throat is tight, tears fill my eyes. Kids dancing and laughing...sounds of play and happiness fill my house. Yet I feel empty. Knowing I am so blessed but feeling so sad leads me to shame.
What kind of person can be around so much joy yet feel so numb?!

I feel worthless, empty, and so sad.
The more well behaved and kind my kids are the worst I feel.

I'm drowning in an ocean of feelings.
Feelings I know are not real- not true!

I've been down this road.
I know exactly where it is headed.
Voices fill my mind.
Scripture twisted and turned.
My mind mocks me..
there is NO WAY these girls will ever 'stand and call you blessed!"
And though I know this is not the voice of God I foolishly follow it.

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3

I have not sat at God's feet in a while.
I have passed Him and waved "Hi."
I have even yelled across the room asking Him for something.
But I haven't pulled up a chair and laid my head on His lap and given Him all of my attention.
I have sipped on water all day and not eaten a full meal and I am now starved!

So today I will sit with Him and I will find Him waiting, like He
always is. He will lift my head and gently whisper and I will wonder again how I could ever ignore such a mighty and gracious God.

"After the fire came a gentle whisper." 1 King 19:12

And I will praise Him for postpartum depression and colic
that He uses for my good,
to lead me back to Him!

"But we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28


Cindy in GA said...

You are doing a great job, Beth! Hoping you found refreshment in Him today.

Cindy in GA (from SL)

The Swann's said...

I could have written that very post... Refreshingly honest and humble. I just came over from Journey to Josie. And because I feel that way I am going to savor the moment my house hold is asleep and go spend time with the Lord.