(mandatory photo that has nothing to do with this post)
Today was one of those "difficult to be a parent' kind of days. One of our children has really shown us the state of their heart these last few days and it ain't good. It has shown up in lying, back talk, rebellion, pride, loss of self control, to name just a few.
When I look back I can see that this has been slowly happening for quite a while. We have spent our day correcting, teaching and rebuking this child. The grand finale tonight was when they were sent to their room and after quite some time both Jim and I went to talk to them. I had one of those out of body experiences as Jim lovingly and sternly spoke to him (I know you know who I am talking about:). I was just sitting there thinking..."when did I end up on this end of things?! I'm not old enough to be over here! I'm usually the one being talked to!!!" We shared our heart with said child, then we prayed with him. Afterwords the sweet, disillusioned child looked up and asked if he could have his dessert now. Have we been in the same room?!
Honestly my heart breaks. A lot of times parenting seems like a job you just do. But every now and then you realize what a GIGANTIC task you have before you!!! To mold and shape these little hearts. When I was a nurse (especially in the PICU) I would sometimes step back and look at all those lines and monitors and drugs and think "what in the world am I doing here?!!!" Parenting is sometimes the same way. This is a BIG job! One that I feel totally unequipped for most of the time.
A verse kept popping in my mind today.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise."
I so badly wanted this child to break. To see his sin, to be sorry for it and to turn from it, but that hasn't happened yet. He went to bed just as proud as he woke up. I wanted desperately for him to come to me broken and in need of comfort. He did come to me for comfort but it was only to be reassured that we still love him, it was not repentance.
How many times does the Bible speak of God giving rest to the weary or broken spirit?! Or giving blessings to the humble and obedient soul? I want that for my children! What a picture it has given me of what God desires from us! That we would not wait to come to Him when we are all cleaned up and got it all together...but that we would come to Him a broken mess in need of our Father to comfort us and restore us! (which begs the question why do us churchy folks act like we have it all together?!!! We don't. But that's another post)
Before tucking our little sinner to bed tonight. I reminded him that we love him and that if he wakes up tomorrow and chooses to do wrong all day long we will still love him. I whispered to him what has been whispered to me..."We don't love you for what you do, we love you for who you are...you are ours!"