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You know that feeling when you KNOW you are being crazy and emotional but you just can't seem to help it?! Yep, I'm there right now!
I know my body is flushing out a ton of hormones. I get cold and 2 min later I am sweating buckets. I look at Asher and tears well up in my eyes. But postpartum hormones always takes another unfriendly toll on me. Mommy guilt! I feel guilty for not having the day structured, I feel guilty that I haven't spent enough time with each of the kids, I feel guilty that I've been on Face book. I start questioning things that I never question. Like homeschooling! And my marriage. And my new hair color:)
Some day I'll tell you about my postpartum depression after Luke. I'm on the look out for it this time. It seems to start as a small lie that I believe. A lie that I would never believe at any other time in my life but right after having a baby. A lie like, "your husband doesn't love you!" or "you are not a good mother." Then it strikes fear in me and doubt and shame. I believe that this is more than just hormones and more than just postpartum depression but an attack.
The Bible says that Satan came to "steal, kill, and destroy." (John 10:10) but that Jesus came to give us "abundant life." When Luke was little I gave up weeks being tormented by doubt, shame and visions of horrible things...I missed out on the joy of him.
I am on guard this time. Better prepared. I now know the signs. I also know the enemy...intimately. I know that right now I need to guard my heart. That means I don't read or watch the news now. I avoid seeing anything sad or tragic. Once I have read it or see it it replays in my mind over and over. I have had to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:5)
I can honestly say I am glad I went through it when I did. God had never been more real to me than in those weeks! I believe by going through that it strengthened my faith and prepared me for the 2 years of uncertainty that came when we got our girls. I also learned more about who God really is...I experienced the verse "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14)
BUT I hope I learned enough the first time around! I'm praying I don't have to go down that road again! But if I do I will trust that in the end it will be good for me.
"But as for me, I trust in you."