Thursday, August 4, 2011

Frustrated, nauseous and crampy!

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. A million things flying through my head at once. Nauseous because anytime I eat a few bites I feel full but I never stop at a few bites:)
Crampy because I didn't drink enough water today.
And frustrated for a bunch of reasons:
-adoption day was called off because of a court mess up (still not explained well)
-termination hearing happened Tuesday for Audrey's birth dad and we still don't know what the outcome of that was (but we are only the parents, why should we be informed?!)
-note from birth mom full of accusations and passive manipulations ending with a request to visit the girls
-I still have "beach bound" written on my van because the gold glass pen doesn't come off (all other colors do but I didn't use the other colors)
-AND we updated our mac computer and now I can't edit or load any pictures (for some reason this one has sent me over the edge)

Do you hear the dripping sarcasm? Do you feel my frustration?! I think there is red under this brunette hair somewhere! I am about to pop! I'm telling you; me being pregnant and frustrated has never gone well. So, I have been sending all of my reply emails to my sweet husband to try to filter my mouth. (He is a good man!) And if the blog has been rather silent lately it is a combination of technical difficulties and the fact that my momma taught me if I don't have nothing nice to say... come sit next to her (maybe that was dolly parton). I mean don't say anything.

But then God shows up. HELLO GOD I'M TRYING TO HAVE A PITTY PARTY HERE!!!!! Can you please wait just a few more days? Let me fume just a little longer?! I'm enjoying myself here...kind of.

Nope conviction came by way of Beth Moore and many many sweet facebook messages and emails and texts (love you guys). Verses like this...

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!"
Psalm 27:13-14

We should be experts on that one. Well apparently we have some more to learn. I have mentioned that Jim and I are hardheaded, right? In my heart I know He is working something out for all of our good. And to be totally honest I already see how Gianna's heart is desiring to be a Richardson. Every night since I broke the news that we weren't going to see the judge she has asked us if tomorrow is the day. That is something we never would have seen had court continued as planned. I praise God for confirmation that she does desire to be part of our family!

And then there was this statement:
"If I err, let me err on the side of mercy!"
Beth Moore

Beth Moore you are not my friend right now!
As I try to respond to a woman who is totally unrepentant, and continues to blame us for her actions or inaction's...and even attack us at times. I am being reminded that I am to err on the side of mercy with her. And how could I not?! Mercy has been poured over me like a waterfall. And it is easy to say you would give mercy (it's one of my spiritual gifts) but standing here, where you feel the sting of the's much harder to actually do.

And what does mercy look like? In this case I think empathy, and giving her the freedom to be mad and it be OK. But not giving in to every request. No, the girls will not be visiting now. But I am open to it in the future.

So there it is...ME...raw...bleeding...not churchy...not supermom or super Christian...but real. I hurt, I ache, but I hear Him and I no longer question His motives. Is He a good God? YES! Does He want good for me and my family? YES! Are His ways bigger than mine? YES (thank God!) Do I still fall into self pity? Every. single. day.

I'm a work in progress ya'll:)


Barb G said...

(((Beth))), praying for a good day today, praying for you to see Him in action in your lives. Praying for clarity in all that is going on. Thanking God that His mercies are new every day. (((hug)))

The Popes said...

It is SO SO SO hard to show mercy :/

This convicted me to, so now YOU'RE not my friend! Just teasing!

We were just informed that there needs to be ANOTHER last visit for each of Gabriel's birth parents. I had already put all that emotion away and here it comes trucking my way. I feel 100x more possesive of him them I ever have before and letting him go is going to kill me.

But like you said, I know that in the grand scheme of things, one more visit with people he doesn't even know won't change anything.

Praying for FAST Adoption Days for both of us.

Erin said...

Oh Momma! Sorry you are having days like this but we have ALL been there, it makes us human. I think being pregnant always makes it seem harder to focus on the positive at times when our patience is running thin.

Praying for you and your fam, and all the things going on for you guys!