Tuesday is adoption day! 2 months shy of the girls being in the court system for 3 years!!! Audrey is so excited! She finally gets to share a name with the big sister she adores. But it may surprise you to learn that G is filled with anger over this upcoming day. All those pictures you see of orphans holding pictures of their soon-to-be families and smiling...that's not G!
Gianna is filled with anger, not only about this day but everyday. Usually this anger is aimed at me. I represent everything that failed her in her life. I represent a woman who didn't take care of her well, who didn't or couldn't chose her over other things in her life.
Gianna spends a good portion of her time and energy rejecting me and pushing me away. This is a test. She wants to prove to us and ultimately herself that she is worthless, that she is so bad that we should leave her...just like everyone else has. Pass this test and we get to look forward to it again the next day...fail this test and we crush her by proving her right.
Adoption day represents us passing the class (although the tests will continue for years at some extent). The fact that we have chosen her and will not leave her, that we are going to be her forever family, secretly comforts her. But that feeling is buried in a heap of feelings of terror. She has so much more to lose now.
In the days leading up to court date I have noticed a stirring excitement over it but an overwhelming anxiety. She has asked me to repeat the details of the day smiling as I tell her what will happen. Shortly after she will spit at her siblings or me (she hit me square in the cheek from 4 feet away...impressive), she will scratch her skin until it bleeds, she has refused to drink (something she used to do years ago). She has talked in detail about how she wants to hurt me, her dad (who she adores), her siblings and even the baby in my belly. Does she mean these things? No, I don't believe so. This is her big push, her last ditch (although I am sure it is not the last) effort to make us prove to her that we will indeed leave her.
My prayer is that Tuesday, no matter how hard it will be, will give her a little bit of comfort. I pray she sees that we want her even if she doesn't want us right now. I hope she knows it is totally OK for her not to be OK. She is safe to be angry, sad, mad or even happy. We, at this time, are fully capable of keeping her safe and keeping everyone else safe as well. So if she needs to rage, scream, spit, pee we can handle it...and even love her through it!