(zoo atlanta 7/09)
"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
I will always remember being a chick fil a and getting the phone call that Grammy and Granddaddy wanted to talk about the girls. It was as if my heart was burning inside my chest and I just couldn't stop pacing and crying. They were coming over to talk. I was excited to see the girls but I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. I was nervous about how all of the children would do after such a long break and not seeing each other. I was scared it would lead to more hurt...not only the children but my own and I just wasn't sure I could do it again. I was as close to being frozen with fear as I had ever been in my life!
We did meet and it was honestly very hard. The kids did great, picking right up where they left off. G and A recognized us but you could tell didn't trust us much (what I didn't know is G never really trusted us in the first place and only now is really, truly trusting us). I was an emotional basket case!!! I couldn't look out the window and see them playing without wanting to burst into tears. It was hard.
There was talk about picking up where we left off and doing play dates again, but I just wasn't sure. I had seen how the back and forth was very hard on the girls and I knew it left our family very susceptible to getting crushed again and I just couldn't bear the thought.
This experience of the girls being gone so quickly made it all very real. This is how it would really feel if their mom got it together and could take them back...I had said that I wanted that...I had even prayed for that very thing to happen and now that I had experienced a taste of it I wasn't sure I could do it! It was all of a sudden very clear what the life God was calling us to looked like and I wasn't so sure I wanted any part of it! It would require us to put our family and ourselves at great risk of being hurt! I haven't shared this with you guys but the thing that threatens to take my focus off of God is comfort. I love comfort and nothing about this road looked or felt comfortable to me! To say I was hesitant was an understatement!
Jim, on the other hand, was confident that this was what we were to do. So we picked the girls up for a date to the zoo. And the rest is history. Once they were right in front of me there was no walking away. And whatever pain awaited us around the corner we would face. Together. As a family. And we would get through and we would help the kids get through. We were in no matter the cost!
But we didn't do things the way we had before. We got ourselves a lawyer that worked with Grammy and Granddaddy's lawyer and before I knew it I was sitting right beside the girls birth mother in a narrow hall in the court building...And little did we know that God had more in store for our little family!
Here is part of an email update I had sent out about how everyone was doing (Luke was 19 months FYI)
"The girls are doing great! Gianna is doing a little better at night. She has thrown away her passi and is now potty trained! Audrey also threw away her passi and is doing great. She is warming up to being around strangers. I haven't seen any change in Caleb he is thrilled that they are here! Emma has fallen right into having a sister her age and either loves her or loves to fight with her:) Luke is probably having the hardest time adjusting. He has decided that Gianna has a target on her. He will run across the room and tackle her without any prompting! But he adores Audrey! So we still have some work to do but I am thrilled with how well they are all doing. It's hard to remember our house without them in it! Thanks for all the prayers. You are each so precious to us!"
To catch up on our adoption journey click here