Monday, June 20, 2011

"You give and take away" (adoption story part 8)

I have not looked forward to writing this post! In fact it was one thing that made me not even want to write the girls' story. I have actually dreaded it! I knew I would write it today because I woke up reminded of that month of June, 2 years ago. I woke with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes much like I spent that entire month of June.

In the months since we began helping with the girls from Jan 09- June 09, we had seen one court date postponed and one come and go that didn't amount to anything. We were patiently waiting to transfer custody to us but it just wasn't happening. So we continued having them over a few days during the week and usually overnight at least once. We were trying to take it one day at a time and just do what was in front of us but I won't lie...we were totally head over heels in love with the girls and they seemed very much a part of our family. We were however, aware of the fact that they could go back to their bio mom and that that would be the best for them IF their mom was able to take care of them and put them first. I was also very aware that their Grammy was struggling to let them go. She desperately wanted to parent them, you could tell every time she looked at them, but her health wouldn't let her.

The first week of June 09 we were getting ready for Jim's birthday. Our plan was to pick the girls up and spend time together for the weekend. The house was full of excitement when I got a call that changed everything. Things were changing at our church and Grammy and Granddaddy were looking for another job immediately. They planned on leaving the state to go visit family while they figured out where they would live and work...and they of course were taking the girls. I was crushed!!! It rocked me to my core!!! I have never hurt like I hurt the following 4 weeks. It was excrusiating. I would wake in the middle of the night, multiple times, crying in my sleep. I walked around with a lump in my throat and would cry at the drop of a hat. The following Sunday the choir sang a Matt Redmond song (Blessed be Your name) and I was a complete puddle of emotions on the 2nd row:

"Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
where Your springs of abundance flow
blessed be your name

blessed be your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though I walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name...

...You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"

The weeks following were unbelieveably difficult. We didn't see or talk to the girls for over a month. But it was a sweet time that God taught me many things. I realized that this was when I would find if my faith in Him was real. I said I believed He was good. I said I believed that He is in control of all things! If I believed that I had to believe that whatever He was doing it was in ours and the girls best interest and that it wasn't to punish us. Now, knowing it and living it are very different things. I also looked around at my life, even without the girls, and asked myself:
"What good thing has He withheld from me?" And the answer was absolutely nothing. Did that make the pain go away? No, but it did make it easier to bear.

We continued with Jim's birthday plans and everything else we had planned that month. We had Emma's 3rd birthday without the girls. We blew it out big time with 2 bouncy houses and we went and bought our own water slide and invited everyone we knew with a 2- 4 year old...I think to numb our pain. It worked! Nothing like having good friends to pick you up when you hurt!

Here is a little of what I wrote in G's journal about it all:
"Until I see you again please know that I long to smell you, to see your "crazy hair" and feel your soft skin as you cuddle up to me. I love you with a Mother's love and long to see you again!

This is a verse God gave me months ago and it has become prophetic:

'I waited patiently for the Lord,
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the muck and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust.
Who does not look to the proud
to those who turn aside to false gods
many O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak to tell of them they would be too many to declare..."
Psalm 40:1-5

I love you Gianna,
Emma's Mommy"

If you want to catch the rest of our long adoption journey you can check it out here

No comments: