My heart is heavy writing this. Today I read a post from storing up treasures about the resurfacing of RAD and this mom's struggle to deal with it. I'm glad I did, in my mind I was thinking, "somewhere, someone is going through this too!"
Today was not good. It started fine, got a little rough in the middle and ended with a bang!
Today was the service for VBS. The kids got on stage and sang all the new songs they learned.
It was so cute. They all did great!
But, unfortunately, we didn't get to celebrate the way we hoped...
I'm not sure if G is still disregulated from our trip. Or if she simply needed to check and see if we were going to stick around. Whatever the reason she picked the middle of church service to go toe to toe. And that is fine.
I have no pride left, I think it's better that way.
I got up and took her to the back room where she hit things, flirted with hitting me and eventually spit in my face. I tried to talk to her, she wanted none of it!
She was SCREAMING for help (on the inside). Typically I would have taken her to the van to restrain her but I didn't have the keys and that is becoming less safe as my belly grows.
So I sat it out in the back room. As soon as church was over I got the keys and took G and Seth to the truck to head home.
We didn't make it far! G was climbing out of her seat and yelling at Seth (who she adores!)
So I stopped the truck, took the keys out, got Seth out and told her when she was done yelling and sitting in her seat that we would get back in and head home.
Meanwhile Jim was taking the other kids to eat.
She screamed, then tried to kick out the TV screen, then she got out and got in my face and screamed. She told me she was going to kick me in my face, I offered her my face and told her I still wouldn't leave her.
She then said she would spit in my eye, I offered it to her and said I STILL would not leave her! She screamed in my ear, I told her I love her.
I was playing the therapeutic parenting card well, I thought.
She continued to rage.
And then as quickly as it had come on, it left...
She buckled herself in her seat and said she was ready to go. She laughed hysterically while playing with Seth and I drove, consumed in my own thoughts.
I did it right! I kept my cool. I kept her safe while not getting angry. I kept an empathetic, playful voice as I spoke to her...
Why then do I feel so discouraged? I have never had so much hatred aimed at me...and it's not her fault. She hates what I represent. Someone who was supposed to love her and care for her and instead left her! How can I get angry at her if she doesn't heal in my time frame?!
In the post I mentioned above the woman says she gets angry at RAD because getting angry at your child isn't an option. I struggle not to get angry at her bio mom.
That is equally unhelpful!!!
I am angry and sad! My heart broke as we drove by Jim and the kids eating outside at a local restaurant...RAD stole that from G and I today!
RAD may steal our sleep, our sanity, our carpets, windows and walls but it won't steal our daughter!
It continues to steal moments, but gone are the days that it steals weeks and months and for that I have to have hope!
Discouraged but not defeated,