Thursday, June 23, 2011

And I STILL won't leave you...

I was overconfident! Maybe a little prideful I was sure I had figured the perfect combination to stop RAD in it's tracks and save my little girl from it's angry clutches!!! I was a fool. The anger and rage of RAD is healing for her. If she didnt rage I would have no idea how hurt she is. And she is hurt beyond words!

Today we were all excited to leave to go to VA! The house was buzzing and you could hardly contain the excitement. I don't know what the trigger was...maybe the fact that Emma just had a birthday and it left G feeling like she was less loved; maybe it was that Jim had spent a solid week in the hospital and it triggered abandonment issue from her past; maybe it was the cinnamon rolls we had for breakfast (a true trigger!) Whatever it was she was scared and when she gets scared she gets mad!

I tried all my therapeutic parenting tricks...being silly, giving her options, strong sitting, jumping jacks...all the things that usually work just got her more cranked up! Meanwhile the entire family was sitting in the van excited to leave for Grandma's house.

She continued to rage until finally she came close to me arms up ready to fight. In a move most ER staff and all parents of RAD know I took her arm and turned her back to me and sat on the bed with my leg over her legs. And held her and rocked her until she was safe...about 30 min. She screamed, and screamed. Then she pulled out the big guns...a bigger gun then she can hold! "I HATE YOUR BABY GIRL!" (baby girl or boy in my belly). "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOUR BABY GIRL IN THE FACE! AND IF YOU TURN AROUND AND TAKE HER I'M GOING TO FIND HER AND PUNCH HER IN HER FACE!". There was a tremble in her voice. Almost as if she was breaking her own heart by saying it but there was a determination to her eyes. As if she was saying "mommy I want to hurt you as bad as I'm hurting! I want to prove to you that I am worthless, that you should leave me!". I felt my heart get heavy!

Soon she calmed. Her eyes got tired and glazed over with a far off stare. I changed from restraining her to cradling her 4 year old body like I would a 4 day old. I rocked her and she stared up at me, not lovingly but with an empty stare-but eye contact all the same. We talked about the things she had said...about the baby. I asked if she really wanted to punch the baby? She shook her head no. I told her I think she would be so sad if she hurt a baby. I think she was just mad and wanted mommy to be as upset as she was.

We talked about what she could do next time she feels sad or scared or mad. "You can come to Mommy and tell me you feel mad or scared and ask me to hold you. Would you like mommy to hold you?" She looked at me and said "no." It wasn't a no that really meant yes but I want to hurt you. It was just an honest no. I asked if she really just wanted to be alone when she felt that way. She shook her head violently "no." The thought of that terrified her.

It broke my heart! When your children hurt you want them to want to come to you! You want to hold them and rock them and comfort them. She gets very little comfort from me for now. How terrifying it must be for her!

We made it to VA with no more issues. But my heart is burdened.


Barb G said...

My verse for today. For you too: Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, for I will give you rest. Matt 11:28

Praying peace for your heart today, dear sister. (((hugs)))

Beth said...

Thanks Barb I got some good rest today:)