Last night I cried myself to sleep...finally! It was the kind of cry where your entire body shakes and you can't imagine where your body holds all those tears. I have been waiting on this for 6 months. I wasn't sure what brought it on, maybe it was the corn I fixed for dinner that made me think of the farm and shucking corn with my brother outside of my Grandparents house. Maybe it is that I haven't been to VA in months and I'm desperately needing my fix of mountain air! Maybe it is pregnancy hormones? Or maybe it is that the 6 month anniversary of my Granddaddy's death is tomorrow. All I know is that I finally grieved the loss of my beloved Granddad!
What makes one person grieve right away and another take so long. I honestly thought something was wrong with me. I shed a few tears here and there but honestly I have been totally numb for months. I've tried to feel something. I've spent time alone thinking of my Granddad trying to speed the mourning process up...I thought I was broke. I thought something happened in the last few years that has hardened my heart so I could no longer feel pain. All that came crashing down last night!
I thought about his big hands holding each of my tiny newborns. I thought about how proud he was of his family. I thought about how he could touch his nose with his tongue. And how he used to use phrases like "It's colder than a witches tit!" (glad Grandma doesn't read the blog) But most of all I thought of how he loved my Grandma. How he would use any excuse to brag on his bride. How tender he was with her. I thought about how desperately I wanted to sit on his lap again and have him hug me...then I thought how much more must my Grandma ache to feel him near her again. A loneliness I can not imagine!
Granddaddy left me a sweet gift. He taught me, not with words, but with his life. He showed me how I was to be loved. How a husband should humbly serve and protect his wife. Every time I look at my husband I thank God for such an amazing man and I also thank my Granddaddy for showing me what an amazing man looks like and that not only are they out there. But that I deserve one.